


Only you understand how i'm feeling now

by Lifeisruined



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 17:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeisruined/pseuds/Lifeisruined
Summary: Three times the squad is confused as to why Barba and Carisi are still together and one time there's no question why they're together





	Only you understand how i'm feeling now

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this came from. Just a distraction from something else I'm writing, I guess? If you find any mistakes, feel free to let me know so I can fix it
> 
> Title is from Tom Walker's "Just You And I"

**One**

Fin doesn’t know how it started. Fin doesn’t  _ want  _ to know how it started. He isn’t really entirely sure how he ended in this position in the first place. But he’s here now, and he’s afraid if he moves, he’ll attract their attention. He’s stuck.

Okay, so Fin should’ve walked away as soon as he heard the raised voices, but he was distracted, preoccupied, and when it finally clicked, he was stuck.

Carmen isn’t at her desk (that should have been his first clue). The door isn’t fully closed, open enough for Fin to see Carisi partially. He can’t even see Barba. He can hear him,  _ oh  _ can he hear him, and Fin isn’t sure he wants to see him either. Not with the way they’re yelling at each other.

Carisi took his lunch break an hour ago. Benson sent Fin to Barba’s office with a file to drop off and strict instructions to bring Carisi back even if he had to kidnap him to do so. That’s part of the reason Fin hasn’t left yet. He wishes Carmen were here, so he could leave the file and run. Fin thinks he should leave and come back. But, again, he doesn’t want to draw their attention. Maybe if he tiptoes, sneaks out, they won’t ever know.

Barba says something in Spanish, which seems to only provoke Carisi further. Barba says something in Spanish, and Carisi tells him to stop being so fucking difficult, and then they’re yelling at each other in two different languages.

Carisi’s been angry a lot lately, it seems. Whatever he’s dealing with, he’s not dealing with it well. He’s been snapping more. Especially at Barba. It seems that lately the only thing Carisi does is snap. Fin doesn’t know the last time he saw Carisi actually smile at Barba. Fin doesn’t know the last time he saw Carisi come into work smiling. And Barba’s Barba: snippy, sarcastic, an asshole. But he’s tense, too, and he’s quicker to provide an insult.

Fin thought Benson was gonna take his head off when Barba managed to use three insults directed toward three different people in a single sentence (Fin, despite being one of the ones insulted, was ultimately impressed).

Fin knows all couples fight. But couples who fight this often, who take the chance to bite and hurt rather than reassure, aren’t happy. Fin knows. He and his ex fought constantly. He doesn’t remember a time when they weren’t. The screaming, the insults, the shift from love to hatred. The beginning of the end. 

Fin doesn’t want Barba and Carisi to break up. It’s their choice, their lives, he gets that, but he doesn’t want them to end up hating each other the way Fin and his ex-wife hated each other. Doesn’t want to pick sides, doesn’t want one transferring. Fin doesn’t think it’ll come to that, but right at that moment, with all the anger oozing from the room, it’s a possibility. 

“You’re a fucking dick!” Carisi snaps. “I just--” He takes a deep breath.

Fin knows now is the time to strike. If he waits any longer, they may start yelling again. He raises a hand, knocks on the door. It’s a long moment before Barba calls him in. When he steps into the office, Carisi steps away from Barba’s desk, red faced and arms crossed. He looks simultaneously pissed and exhausted. 

Barba’s smoothing down his tie as he sits. His jaw is clenched, expression falling blank. He doesn’t spare a single glance toward Carisi. “What can I do for you, Detective Tutuola?”

Carisi grumbles, “Oh  _ now  _ he speaks English.”

Which of course leads Barba, without even looking at him, to say, “You may leave at any point,  _ Detective _ .”

Fin has never heard someone say detective with such contempt before. “Case file you asked for.” Fin takes a cautious step toward the desk, extending the file.

Barba takes it. “Should I expect any complications?” He flips the file open.

“No.”

“Thank you, Detective,” he says, eyes on the file. “Let Liv know I’ll call her later.” There’s a pause before he adds, “And take Detective Carisi with you.”

Fin sees Carisi open his mouth and cuts in before he says something stupid. “Benson wants you back anyway.”

His mouth snaps shut, jaw tight. He straightens. “Fine.” He stalks toward the door. He doesn’t even stop to throw something over his shoulder. Fin is not looking forward to riding back with that.

Fin sees Barba’s hand twitch when Carisi slams the door on his way out. He sighs, shaking his head. He can’t imagine what could have possibly led to this explosion. He just hopes they work it out so Carisi stops looking like a kicked puppy.

**What Fin Doesn’t See:**

Sonny almost goes to his own apartment. He thinks about it for ten minutes, debating the pros and cons, and decides to face it instead. He doesn’t want to hide. He knows it’ll be worse if they let it sit for too long.

When he gets to Barba’s, opening the door with his key, poking his head around the corner nervously, he isn’t sure what he’s gonna say. It was a stupid fucking fight. They both had shitty days, shitty weeks really, and they’ve been way too wrapped up in work to give each other the respect they deserve. Sonny said something, Barba replied, Sonny snapped, Barba made a snide remark, Sonny yelled.

He doesn’t really know why he got mad in the first place. Barba brought it up last week, casually, told Sonny to think about it, and Sonny was so happy. He’s never been this happy. But then, when he thought about it more and more, he got scared. He’s never had a relationship this serious before, and it terrified him. So when Barba brought it up today over lunch, Sonny just kind of lost it.

Honestly, Sonny wants to pretend this whole day never happened.

Sonny finds Barba in his office, staring at his laptop, his hands resting on either side, not moving. Sonny pauses, looks at his tense shoulders, and hates that he did this. That he’s the reason Barba’s upset.

“Lurking is a terrible habit, Detective,” Barba says suddenly. “One might even go as far as to say creepy.”

“Is it lurking if you know I’m here?”

Barba finally spins his chair around, facing Sonny for the first time since he left his office hours ago. “Did you come here to call me names again?”

“That depends.”

“On?”

“If you plan on arguing in Spanish again.”

Barba rolls his eyes, but that’s a good sign. It means he isn’t angry anymore. He’s already forgiven Sonny.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny blurts. “I--I shouldn’t have said any of that. I never should have argued.”

Barba studies him for a moment, eyes narrowed, before saying, “Yes, I agree.”

“I want to.” He’s shy, suddenly, afraid of what Barba will say. He’s afraid he ruined everything. “I know I acted like the world was ending, but this is a good thing. We should do it.” He takes a hesitant step into the room before continuing, kneeling on the ground in front of Barba, hands on his knees. “I  _ want  _ to, Rafi.”

“You acted like a child.”

A deep breath. Okay. He can do this. “I know. I’m sorry. I was wrong about everything. Can we start over? Can you ask me again so I can say yes?” Barba’s looking down at him, curiously, and Sonny wants to lurch upward, kiss him stupid. He wants to kiss that frown off his face.

“If I ask, will you act like a sane adult and answer as one? Or will you fly off the handle again?”

“I will answer as a sane and reasonable adult.”

“No more temper tantrums?”

Sonny gives him a look. “ _ No _ .”

Barba nods, satisfied, and grabs hold of Sonny’s tie, tugging him upward. He pulls, Sonny following, until Sonny’s in his lap, straddling him. He wraps his arms around Sonny, settling back in the chair. He’s content. There’s even a little smirk playing at his lips. “Do you want to move in together? Here. Or someplace new. I’m not particularly attached to this place.”

“Hm, I don’t know.” Sonny smiles, laughs, when Barba pinches his side. “Okay, okay. Yes. I’d love to.” He leans down, kissing Barba sweetly. “I can’t wait to live with you, Rafi.”

 

******Two**

The case is not great. A woman killed her three kids, drowned them, and though she confessed (quite happily which is just fucked up), she was deemed mentally unstable, remanded to a psych hospital until she gets better. Then she’ll be transferred to a prison where she’ll spend the rest of her life without parole.

The kids though. The kids were seven, five, and two. Two girls and a boy. She drowned them all in a lake by her family’s cabin. She buried them. With no father in the picture, and her parents hundreds of miles away, she managed to come back to the city, without her kids, and no one noticed for weeks. The seven year’s old tennis coach finally called the police, claiming he hasn’t seen his student in weeks. She’s never missed a lesson, he said, and now she’s missed several.

The mother was not remorseful in the slightest. She was actually quite giddy when she confessed. She ignored her lawyer, talking about how the kids looked as they went, how she dressed them in their nicest clothes to go to sleep outside. When she wrote down the location of their bodies, she asked the detectives to tell the kids she loved them.

So, yeah. The case is easily solved, the murderer is caught, but the squad is quiet after. Rollins manages to call her sitter no less than three times to check on Jesse, Fin sends a text to his son, and Carisi steps away to call Bella. Liv, if she notices from inside her office, doesn’t comment.

Barba’s been there for a while. Since they brought the mother in. Even now, with her sitting in a cell, he’s been in Liv’s office for a good, long while. When he leaves, brow furrowed, he gives Carisi an unamused look. Carisi only smiles in response, which prompts Barba to roll his eyes.

Earlier, while Fin and Liv handled the confession, Rollins was with Barba and Carisi in the office. She hadn’t been paying them any attention, focused on how sick this woman was, when she heard Barba say something in a rather cruel tone.

She didn’t turn around, but she was listening. What the hell provoked that tone?

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Carisi said. “Look, she’s confessing. Lawyer and all. Can’t go wrong, huh?”

“Yes, thank you. Good to know your education is getting some use after all.”

Oh. She couldn’t remember the last time Barba dug at Carisi’s law degree. She glanced back, only to see Carisi happily bump his shoulder against Barba’s.

“Why don’t you go be useful elsewhere?” Barba snapped.

“Sure, yeah. Anything for you, Counselor.” Carisi’s grin was cheeky. He wasn’t even fazed by Barba’s glare.

It stuck with Rollins. She’s always wondered why they’re together--they’re both handsome men, sure, but Carisi always seemed too bright for Barba. Rollins doesn’t know what Carisi could possibly find attractive about the putdowns and the snark and the seemingly constant bad moods. She hadn’t really questioned it before, just happy to see her friend happy, but now. Now she’s curious to know if Barba is ever actually happy. 

Carisi is playing with Jesse on the floor, dinner long since gone, the TV playing some shitty reality show, when Rollins decides to ask. Carisi asked to stop by earlier, to see Jesse, and when he arrived, the first thing out of his mouth was that he couldn’t stay super late.

“What’s Barba like?” she asks. When Carisi sends her a confused look, she adds, “With you, I mean. Is he always so…”

“Grumpy? Unpleasant?” Carisi smiles, almost to himself, as he sits up, pushing the toys toward Jesse to distract her. “He was just in a mood today.”

“Is it a mood if he’s always in it? Doesn’t it become his personality?”

Carisi snorts. “Yeah, okay. That’s fair. No, he’s not always like that. Sometimes he’s nice to me.”

It’s a joke. She knows it is, but she can’t help but wonder. “Come on, seriously.”

He gives her a look, then sighs. “Seriously. He’s happy. He even acts like a normal human at home. He really was in a bad mood today.”

“At you?”

“No. Work. DA’s kind of riding him right now. He’s frustrated. Wanted to pick a fight with me, so he’d be justified in taking it out on me.”

She stares. “Carisi, that’s fucked up.”

“I know. It’s why I don’t engage. I smile and joke, and when I get home later, he’ll apologize and make it up to me. Really, Amanda, we’re great. This hasn’t been a great week for him.”

She nods slowly. He’s calm, smiling down at Jesse. She trusts him, knows he wouldn’t stay if he wasn’t really happy, but she just wants what’s best for him. And if she has to help bury Barba’s body, if he hurts Carisi, she will gladly do so. When she says as much aloud, Carisi’s smile grows.

“Thanks, Amanda,” he says. “It won’t come to that, but thanks.”

He sounds so confident. So sure of the relationship. She’s never had that, the love and trust he’s displaying. She’s always run the first time things got too tough. She keeps her distance. But. She wants that. She wants to the chance to love someone like Carisi loves Barba. Maybe someday she’ll find her own Carisi.

Rollins shakes her head, turning back to the TV. This is all too sappy for her.

**What Rollins Doesn’t See:**

Sonny’s head is pillowed on his chest, hand running idly up and down his stomach. He’s smiling as he kisses his chest. Barba’s arm is around him, hand on his back, and his other is trying to smooth down Sonny’s hair.

“You know, Rollins said the weirdest thing to me,” Sonny says, his hand pausing on Barba’s stomach. “She asked if I was happy.”

Barba pressed a kiss to the top of Sonny’s head. “Are you?”

“Of course.” He shifts, wiggles really. “That might be the sex talking, but.” He shrugs. “She wanted to know if you’re always such a hardass.” He pauses. “You know, I think she thinks you’re a robot.”

“And you told her what exactly?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted me to defend your honor.” He laughs when Barba tries to push him away, wraps his arms and legs tight around him. “No, no, I’m kidding. I did defend your honor, I swear. I told her you actually have emotions.”

“Oh, God, that’s  _ worse _ .”

Sonny shifts to face Barba, smile small and content. “If it helps, I don’t think she believed me when I said you were nice to me. It’s a you-have-to-see-to-believe type deal, you know?”

Barba doesn’t dignify that with a response. He only blinks at Sonny.

“I love you. Again, might just be the sex.”

Barba spanks him once, hard enough for Sonny to yelp, hips jumping, and Sonny wishes they could go again. Well, he wishes Barba could. It’s no fun for Sonny if he’s the only one getting off.

“Is this how you show affection?” Sonny teases. “Because I’m all for it, but it might become an issue in public.” He kisses Barba’s jaw. “Oh, and Rollins promised to help hide your body if you hurt me. So watch out, Rafi. SVU has my back.”

Barba opens his mouths, thinks about it, and then says, “Liv probably would help, too.” She’s  _ his  _ friend, but she already threatened him about hurting Sonny (she played it off like she didn’t want to lose one of her detectives, but he knew what she really meant).

“So you gotta be nice to me.”

“I  _ am _ nice to you.”

“That means no more teasing or jokes about my--” He doesn’t get any further, instead kissed within an inch of his life. When Barba pulls away, satisfied and smug, Sonny blinks slowly, kind of hazy. He doesn’t remember what he was talking about. He just knows he really wishes round two was an option. “Hey, Rafi?”

Barba hums.

Sonny buries his face in his neck, kissing him once. “Rafi, I love you. And I swear it’s not the sex. The sex wasn’t even that good. I love you in spite of it, you know? It’s not your fault. You’re just getting old.”

Sonny can’t help but laugh as Barba shoves him off the bed.

 

**Three**

They never meant to make it a thing, but if work allows, they meet once a week just to talk. They sometimes talk about work, about a case, but for the most part, work’s left at the door of the bar. They talk about anything else. Liv talks about Noah, what insanely cute thing he did the other day, and Barba drinks and nods to show he’s listening. She knows he’s not particularly interested in Noah, in kids in general, but she appreciates that he lets her ramble about her son. She even shows him pictures once, just to see how far he’ll let her go (she managed to get through almost three pictures before he changed the subject).

They rarely talk about Carisi. They didn’t talk about it, it’s just something that happened. Every now and then, when Carisi’s had a good day at work, they’ll discuss his accomplishments, and a couple times Barba came prepared to talk about whatever stupid decision Carisi made. But other than that, Carisi is apparently off limits. Liv wants that part of their friendship open, she wants to talk about relationships with Barba, but she knows it’s for the best. She’s Carisi’s friend, of course, but first and foremost she’s his boss. 

Liv’s known about Barba’s crush--and he’d have a stroke if she ever referred to it as a crush out loud--on Carisi almost since the beginning. She was the first to know about their relationship. She knows how in love the two are. She loves seeing them together, when Barba actually smiles and Carisi is somehow (impossibly) happier than usual.

Tonight is not one of the happy nights. They’re two drinks in, Liv having shared her story of Fin getting covered from head to toe in glitter, when Barba checks his phone. He reads a text, and his content mood is gone in an instant.

“Everything okay?” she asks.

He huffs, shoving his phone in his pocket without responding. “Carisi seems inclined to discuss something I wish to not.”

She raises a brow but doesn’t say anything.

Barba rolls his eyes. “He wants me to meet his family.”

“You two have been together for almost two years. You haven’t met his family yet?”

“I’ve met Bella.”

“We’ve all met Bella,” she reminds him. “Speaking of whom, remind me to give Carisi some things for her daughter.”

“Noted.” He takes a drink, probably hoping she’ll drop it, but really. Two years?

“So spill. Why are you so against meeting his family?”

“I’m not against meeting them,” he argues. “We’ve tried, before. They don’t seem thrilled with the idea of me. Carisi set something up awhile ago, but they ditched out at the last minute. His mother said the weather was bad.”

“Was it?”

“It was a hot, sunny day.” He downs the rest of his scotch, waving the bartender over to order another. “They don’t approve. They’re spent years pretending Carisi was just confused. Apparently, they’ve had their priest talk to him multiple times. He loves them though. He wants us all to get along.”

She tilts her head, nods. She reaches out to squeeze his arm.

“I have no desire to get along with them,” Barba continues. “He put his mother and sisters on speaker once, while we were in the kitchen, and unfortunately for us all, Carisi couldn’t get to his phone quite quick enough after they started to badmouth me.”

“Carisi’s a family man,” she says.

“I know. I don’t fault him for it. I just don’t want to spend time trying to convince such small-minded people to like me. I’m too old for that.”

“Did you say that to him?”

“Yes. I told him to accept the fact his two lives will never interact, to leave me out of his family drama, and he didn’t take that too well.”

Who would? Liv knows she wouldn’t. She isn’t surprised he said it, though. Barba has always been blunt. It’s both a positive and a negative. She can’t imagine Carisi takes too kindly to the bluntness, though.

Barba’s still talking. “And now it leads to an argument whenever it’s mentioned. It’s his father’s birthday next week, and he’s trying to convince me to go. I say no, he gets all sad and upset, and now he’s convincing himself I don’t care for him as much as he does for me. It’s stupid, but he’s kind of losing it.”

“Is he mad at you?”

Barba shakes his head. “He’s mad at himself. He makes me want to strangle him, though.”

“You shouldn’t say that to a cop.”

Barba waves her off. “Anyway, enough about my sad life. What’s going on with you? What has Noah done to surprise you today?”

“Is it? Sad?” She knows he’s happy. She knows they’re both happy. But he looks kind of defeated right now, like he’s already accepted the inevitable, and she can’t help but wonder what that might be.

He looks at her for a long moment, green eyes searching, before he turns toward his drink, running his finger along the glass. “He’s unhappy. I can’t seem to change that. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I think...Sometimes I think I should just walk away. Spare him all this shit.”

Liv reaches for his hand, squeezes it. “You have to do what’s best for both of you,” she tells him. “He’ll get over it. But if you decide to end things, please don’t do it because he’s unhappy right now.” She wasn’t sure, at first, if they would last. Carisi seemed too impulsive, too young, too inexperienced. She wasn’t sure Barba could handle all that enthusiasm. She wasn’t sure if they would help each other grow they way couples did.

She spent the months thinking  _ today’s the day. Today is the day Carisi or Barba tells me they broke up _ . She prepared herself for that day. It never came though. She’s glad it hasn’t. She doesn’t want to see them unhappy. She doesn’t want to deal with Carisi’s depressed, kicked-puppy look or Barba’s inevitable wrath following the breakup. They both would be unbearable.

Liv tilts his head up until their eyes meet. “Rafael, please don’t do anything drastic.”

“It’s killing me to see him this way,” he admits.

“Tell him that. Sit him down and explain. You can’t do anything about his family, but at least show him that you’re still here. Try to pick up the slack from his family.”

Barba nods slowly. “I don’t know if I can be that emotional. He’ll probably think I’m dying or leaving him.”

**What Liv Doesn’t See:**

Barba finds Sonny on the couch when he comes home. He’s watching  _ The Godfather _ , in sweatpants and a well-worn Harvard shirt (a gift from Lucia Barba, actually, that Sonny absolutely loved), and he’s munching on popcorn.

Barba strips off his coat and scarf, leaving them on the table as he passes. He knows his hands will be cold, but he stops behind the couch, wrapping his arms around Sonny from behind. He presses a kiss to the top of Sonny’s head. “I love you,” he mumbles.

Sonny tilts his head back, smiling. “Can you come home like this every day?” he jokes, raising a hand to grip Barba’s neck. He tugs him down for a kiss. “Have fun?”

Barba nods, kissing Sonny’s nose. “It was very insightful.” He kisses Sonny again before coming around the couch, sitting practically on Sonny’s lap. “Okay. I love you. I love everything about you. I love that you’re still hopeful despite all the shit you see at work.”

Sonny actually looks concerned. “Are you dying?”

Barba rolls his eyes, mentally notes to text Liv a  _ I told you so _ later, and laces their fingers together. “Sonny, mi amor, please don’t think I don’t love you because I don’t want to meet your parents.”

The smile fades from his face. “Oh. Yeah, no, I never thought that.”

“Don’t lie to me. I know it must feel like it, but it’s not you. It’s never been about you. I long ago made peace with not everyone liking me. I don’t need them to. Hell, the first time I meet them can be at our wedding for all I care.” And then his eyes widen because he hadn’t meant to say that and he tries to take it back, but Sonny interrupts him.

“Our wedding? Did you propose without me knowing?”

Sonny’s smiling again. Barba will gladly embarrass himself if it means that smile stays forever. “Please. You’ll know when I propose. It’ll be the most romantic thing you’ve ever seen”

“I’m counting on it.” Sonny shifts, lying down to rest his head on Barba’s shoulder, sighing happily when Barba drapes an arm around him. “It just sucks,” he says after a while. “I wanted everyone to get along. I love you, and I love my family, but I can’t--I can’t do this anymore.”

Barba’s grip tightens.

“I called my parents after I texted you. As of now, until they can at least put forth the effort and stop pretending you don’t exist, I’m not dealing with them anymore. If they want to speak to me, they have to go through Bella, who will only tell me if she deems it necessary.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Barba says quietly. He didn’t want this. He wants his baby to be happy, but not at the loss of his family. He hugs Sonny closer, pressing his lips to his temple.

“I did, though, Rafi. They don’t get to write you off. That’s not fair. To me or you. I’m not gonna spend the rest of my life arguing with them.” He sighs. “So there. That’s done.”

Sonny’s not happy, though. Barba can tell by his voice. He promises himself, then, to do everything in his power to change that. He’s gonna spend the rest of his days making sure Sonny’s happy.

 

**And One**

Carisi is well on his way to drunk. Rollins is there with him, already moaning about having to make it home, and, though he hides it well, Fin is making his way there too. Liv and Barba are the only ones not too far gone. Which isn’t saying much--Barba is teetering on the fence between tipsy and kinda drunk.

Things have been crazy lately. Case after case after case. In the past month, the squad had maybe one peaceful day. And after finishing their latest case, the squad hit a nice lull. After a constant go-go-go attitude, paperwork was a pleasure. The week finished with not even a call, so Liv invited them all over for dinner and drinks, a reward for their constant hard work.

Which is how they ended up here--dinner, made by Carisi, was delicious. And they went through two bottles of wine before Rollins and Fin decided to make a drink run and came back with all sorts of wine and beer. Liv and Barba stuck to wine while the other three ventured toward the beer.

The only reason Liv knows Barba’s more than a little tipsy is because he’s indulging in PDA. The man doesn’t ever encourage public touching, only sometimes letting Carisi get away with bumping their hands or shoulders together, yet here he is, reclining on Liv’s couch with Carisi two seconds from crawling in his lap (which further proves Carisi is quite drunk since he would never make Barba uncomfortable). They started off side by side, thighs touching, and then Rollins (arguing with Fin over the Knicks) dragged Carisi into the conversation, and he leaned over to talk to them.

Barba’s hand is resting on his back, rubbing small circles. He doesn’t seem to be aware he’s even doing it.

Carisi sends him a small, shy smile every now and then.

Barba rolls his eyes when he notices Liv watching them, but he doesn’t push Carisi away, doesn’t try to wiggle away, and Liv thinks there’s no reason she should have ever doubted them. She can’t believe she ever doubted something that makes Barba so obviously happy. Something--some _ one _ \--that relaxes him.

“No, hey, I’m serious,” Carisi is saying, finally crawling into Barba’s lap to better see his friends. He wobbles a bit, unsteady, and he sends Barba a grateful smile when an arm snakes around his waist. “We should go.”

“With what free time?” Rollins asks.

“I’m down,” Fin says.

“You just want to prove me wrong,” Rollins says.

Fin shrugs. “I’ll get a game out of it, at least.”

Barba gently shakes Carisi, getting his attention. Liv wonders if he knows how open his face is, how bright his eyes are, when he looks up at Carisi. “Get off,” he tells him. “I’m getting another drink.”

Carisi slides off, offering to go, but Barba waves him off. He asks if Carisi wants something, nods when he asks for water, and heads for the kitchen. Liv stands to follow. She’s just tipsy enough to tease him, and she knows he’s at a point where he won’t be horrified by his own happiness.

Carisi, collapsing on the couch, smiles dopily, eyes following Barba as he goes. “He’s great, huh?”

Rollins and Fin exchange a look. It’s Fin who says, “‘Cause he’s getting your drunk ass water?”

Carisi nods eagerly.

Rollins snorts, reaching over to clap Carisi on the shoulder. “Bud, I think you’ve had a bit too much.”

He thinks about it for a moment before saying, “Yeah. But that doesn’t change anything. I still love him.”

“We know.”

Carisi nods again. He looks relieved, like he was worried they had no clue how he felt about the ADA. He rests his head in his palm, blinking tiredly. “He wants to marry me.” Before they can say anything, he continues, quite proudly, “He told me so. God, I wanna marry him. Don’t you think he’ll be a good husband? Will  _ I _ ?”

“Way too much, Carisi,” Fin chuckles, shaking his head.

“You’ll both be good husbands,” Rollins says, shooting Fin a look. Carisi likes to talk about Barba, but he’s never been this open. It’s amusing as much as it is sweet. She kind of wants to see what else Carisi will spill given the chance.

Unfortunately, Barba returns, Liv on his heels, and he shoves Carisi over to sit down. He hands him water and tells him to drink the whole thing or he’s finding his own way home.

Carisi drinks obediently.

Barba squeezes his thigh, and then he keeps his hand there. Every so often, his hand will rub his thigh or squeeze or move an inch up or down. Carisi keeps sending Barba stupidly happily looks. At one point, he even leans over to press a rather sweet kiss to Barba’s cheek.

That’s when Barba decides it’s time to go. He stands, thanking Liv, trying to keep a swaying Carisi steady long enough to bring their glasses to the kitchen, and when he returns, he finds Rollins mumbling something to Carisi, who looks pleased.

Barba waits until the cab, heading home, before he asks, “What did Rollins tell you? Before we left?”

“Oh.” He gets this sly grin, blue eyes twinkling, when he says, “She’s just reminded me she knows a good place to hide your body.”


End file.
